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2005-01-16 - 2:09 a.m.
my grandmother used to always say to me "honestly now" and she'd say it in response to something outlandish that i'd done or some silly thing that i had said---it was her response to me being a little bit different, and it was always in a playful tone and with a little half smile she's slip, her eyes shining behind her signature glasses. i haven't written everyday in a very very long time. i miss it. something sparked inside me in the past couple of days in which, at the end of the day, i started to trace this habit of writing. it's one that i miss and find quite cathartic, so i think it's almost imperative that i keep it up, if just for this point in my life where it calms me when i'm a bit upset; where it relieves me when i'm worried. i've been having a good couple of days. i got to spend one on one time with the boy, which is a rarity because of our clashing work (and soon again, with my school) schedules, so i really have enjoyed the past few days where i get to cuddle with him just a little bit longer---giggle with him a little bit louder than other nights that have been spent in the company of others---(it has just been really nice to spend time with just him.) the other day, a situation sort of began to arise and it forced me to put some hypothetical situations into perspective, and---to make a long story short---made me realize how much i truly love this kid. like. not just shared-constant-bed-companion-and-wonderful-to-kiss-boyfriend but also like shared-furniture-in-the-future-long-road-trips-in-the-summer sort of love. that's intense, for me at least, to look him in the eyes (his really beautiful blue eyes with these eyelashes that are so dangerously long it's almost entrancing some nights to look at) and just know that i love him so very much, and that it's not anything i have to put effort into thinking about. i've never doubted him. ever. and i've never doubted how i feel for him. ever. and this is something really new to me. it's wonderful, truly. beyond the point of being scary or even overwhelming--i've learned to accept it whole-heartedly and not question it, (ever)
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