he doesn't want me to be there. the 30th is the anniversary of his mother's death, and he really. doesn't want me there during it. i have to respect that, even though it makes my heart ache.

the cancellation fee doesn't even matter. i don't really care, it's just money. but i've been a fucking wreck for the past week emotionally and i'm trying to let this calm myself down.

i can't get in touch with anyone i need to...anyone to turn to, to talk to. i cried on the attic steps to my mother as she painted the trimmings a forest green, the little black and white television silently blaring dull hues in the backround.

i hate camp. the kids are the cruelest that i've ever had. i didn't realize the amount of hate a 11 or 12 year old boy could possess until after working with them for ten weeks. one of them told me i was a grown-up today. i told him i was only 18, still a kid. he shook his head and said, "no. you are definitely a grown-up. you tell us not to do things and act like an adult so there's no way you're still a kid." for the third time in 2 days, my heart sank.

a grandmother dropped off her two children at the bus stop this morning. she introduced herself as 'nana k' and pointed to her yipping dog, "muffin", in the back seat. her thin hair was dyed a brilliant red and she refused to leave until both kids gave her raspberries---one on each cheek. i waved goodbye as she drove away, and looked at jenn, the bus driver. we said at the same time, "i miss my grandmother." i said, "i should visit her." she said, "i wish i could. mine's dead." if i don't get to this weekend, i've now got a whole extra week (since i'm not going to alabama) to take a trip to vermont to see her. i'd love it if natalie could come, but if she can't, i'll still do it alone. i need the fresh air, the homemade blueberry muffins, and the rose-scented sheets.

ami's leaving for philidelphia next saturday. the girl that's lived down my street all my life is going ten hours away. i'm glad now i'll be here to send her off, hold her goodbye and promise to visit before christmas break.

i was also supposed to go into the radio station tonight with dan and seth, but i'm not really up to it. i tried to find their numbers in the phone book, but they have the most generic last names i know, meaning: no luck. i'll just call the station around 11pm and tell them what happened.

this leaves me more time to pack. i can properly say goodbye to people, places, and other things i'm leaving behind. i'm really looking forward to moving into my own place. i'm moderately excited about starting school. i am extremely exhausted from crying and caring.

no one said it was easy. but sometimes i wish it was.

prove me wrong.