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2002-10-26 - 2:53 p.m.
feeling overprotective of boundaries i shouldn't even cross. it's raining. i used to love the rain. october was treating me well. with pleasant chills and changing leaves and now i don't want winter to come with cold heavy invading snow. i want that minute of warmth. it's almost 3 oclock on a saturday afternoon. what have i done? listened to mazzy star, read into every lyric of every word in my head. wondered how i would have been in olympia. or how i could be in chicago. or new york city. or whereever i end up. where am i ending up? when am i leaving? do i have to go? i'm not sure what to take with me. memories of people and numbers of contact or just a clean pair of socks and some film for my camera. i could be that girl that leaves vague messages on everyone's machine. the type that could be in a different language that i don't really know but like how it rolls off of my tongue. and you'd just listen to it. trying to decipher the madness of my intonations and what i really mean to say. and if i wanted to tell you that i cared so much. why didn't i just say it instead of recite some obscure poem that means nothing to either of us? because it's easy. and it's romantic. in a half-hearted-attempt sort of way. that's how i feel. like a half-hearted attempt. but a suicide attempt is never a success. it's close. but all attempts never quite get that feeling of accomplishment. don't get me wrong. i don't want to kill myself. not even close. i just want to feel a little more inspired. i want to put my whole self into something. and not change my mind half-way through. just for once. |