It's January fourth and I'm stuck here with an answer to the question "Do you think it's gonna snow this year?"

Took Marissa to the hospital in Derry today, she almost broke her hand. Bethany did it. Bethany, oh, did she do it. She did it to me too. My head will never be the same. I'm a squire again! It's my fault...I wanted my mullet gone so bad, I was impulsive; I didn't think it through; I didn't plan ahead. Now I look like a girl.

When I close my eyes I feel that everything I do is erased with each new day and nothing is certain. Every little remark she makes could be a sign. And I tell myself "you're being paranoid." I wish I could say "you're feeling secure". I don't feel like I'm starting the foundation of something, but merely laying down bricks with no mortar; building it up and then down again.

Sometimes you ask yourself "what makes me special? Why do I deserve this more than someone else?" In some ways, the answer is "nothing, and you don't" and in other ways, if she really isn't blind, the answer is different, but I don't know it. I know I'm happy to be where I am, but I keep anticipating something badddd. She's so drama free, and I'm so drama-filled--so it's all just playing out in my mind; playing, skipping, scratching the needle in my mind.

Sometimes you know you feel great. Sometimes when you've got something to lose you wonder when it's going to happen. I don't think I'm going to lose, but I think about it anyway. I feel that I'm the best person I've ever been right now, but at the same time I'm reverting to a former self. It's really hard not having my own freedom [car]. Considering all I've accomplished without it though--I'm satisfied.

satisfied...but not feeling reassured. It's all part of my personal struggle to take control of my happiness--I'm losing...I'm at the mercy of others...maybe that's why I don't always feel so confident in the stability of my life/relationships...nothing ever stays the same, especially when you're in the college phase. What I'll do? Cross my fingers and hope that things stay my way.

prove me wrong.