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2004-06-24 - 3:46 p.m.
i feel old. but i'm really not. i see teenagers walking around, trying to kill time before their mom shows up in a red minivan and scoops them away into the early night. i wonder if things were simplier or more complex then. today while food shopping, a lot of little old ladies were getting their bran cereal and two bananas and i touched the strand of pearls around my neck and missed my grandmother for the first time in a while. this august will be one year. it has also been over a year since i've spoken to wes. i'm okay with that and i'm not. i remember how he would leave shows early so that he could be on the other end of my phone calls, and that for over four years, a week did not go by when we didn't speak. now, i have to hear about how he is from my old friends or acquaintances and i remember when i was all that he knew here and now he doesn't even need me to get around. (without me, he wouldn't have a place to stay now when he comes back to visit.) today, i miss my mom. i'm going home to have dinner with her and tell her secrets eventhough she knows everything so secrets don't exist. after cleaning up the kitchen and the bathroom and painting and trash and washing dishes, i realize how hard it is to maintain a tidy house, and i sort of want to apologize to my mother for being a slob when i was living there. living with six (no, now five)people means never being able to relish in your hard work. (it's like one step forward and six more back.) i want to spraypaint my whole room blue and just swim in it. |